[ he did not deserve to pet a dog earlier, and he does not deserve to pet a dog now, but niah is persistent enough that he gently rubs one of his ears. ]
I would have tried to convince people of my innocence, and to vote for someone else. An outcome that I cannot abide by, now that I am in my right mind.
I cannot afford to care for everyone and their hostages. People die every day, every minute, by calamities or hands of another.
[ He's lived through that too many times. Ultimately: ]
I can only care for few and it is aggravating how those few seem to not value their lives. [ ... ] If you are going to throw yourself away so easily, I should kill you myself.
[ It's said with venomous bite, but really he's sad. ]
People are frail and die every moment of every day, but that does not make them beyond our care. Otherwise you would not have accepted me as your companion.
[ even if he's being a giant, biased child about this, he knows joonghyuk has room for more people in his heart, or they wouldn't be having this conversation. ]
[ Sacrifice only leaves an unhealable wound on those left behind... Like saving someone drowning with a knife. There's silence as his expression unravels, relaxes from the rage. ]
I must try all the same. And in the end, even if it is one life, that is enough.
[ he understands how much selflessness can hurt others, because he's felt that for himself. maybe someone here will grieve for him, just as others have grieved for claude. but... even so. this is who he is. ]
...Shinobu will be very cross with me if I ask you. She all but demanded to do it herself. But... I do not think she should.
I know I am. But... I have seen what taking someone's life can do to her. And she will resent whoever kills me. I do not want her living her life with that regret, even if she resents me for it.
Though it would be an unkind thing to ask of you, too.
[ he hasn't lived for anything besides revenge and resentment in a long time. being alive for other people has very recently entered the picture, but it's still a tenuous thing. ]
But part of me hopes that I will not come back. ...I still do not know how you have suffered so many lifetimes, Yoo Joonghyuk. [ he's already tired, and it shows on his face. ]
[ He mulls over the last sentence, but doesn’t answer it. ]
… I won’t trust your words because I believe you are stronger than that.
[ Because Joonghyuk learned to believe in the stories people create… Even if he isn’t noble, if he can’t care for too many people, he believes in Dimitri who does. No matter how dark and dirty their hearts actually are, Joonghyuk believes in the good Dimitri has or the good Dimitri wants to protect and foster in others.
And that good should not die, not like this. He won’t accept it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Niah comes over and noses his hand again. ]
Why say that?
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I would have tried to convince people of my innocence, and to vote for someone else. An outcome that I cannot abide by, now that I am in my right mind.
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This is the standard you hold to yourself and only yourself.
[ Is that right? ]
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It is a standard I hold broadly.
[ he's hard on himself, but he expects people to be good to each other. or at least, he wants them to be. ]
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[ Because you want to believe in people. ]
I'd rather someone else die in your place.
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[ he's suddenly very tense all over, angry in earnest. ]
I killed a man I would call my friend. And I will pay the price for that tomorrow gladly for any of you.
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[ he will not stop. Joonghyuk is obviously unhappy about this, but it shows in ANGER. ]
Are you saying you will not resist?
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[ for anyone else, it's pointless execution. but for him, it's justice. ]
You know that an innocent person dying tomorrow means the death of their hostage. I would never allow that risk.
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[ He's lived through that too many times. Ultimately: ]
I can only care for few and it is aggravating how those few seem to not value their lives. [ ... ] If you are going to throw yourself away so easily, I should kill you myself.
[ It's said with venomous bite, but really he's sad. ]
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[ even if he's being a giant, biased child about this, he knows joonghyuk has room for more people in his heart, or they wouldn't be having this conversation. ]
I would not mind, if it was you.
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[ Sacrifice only leaves an unhealable wound on those left behind... Like saving someone drowning with a knife. There's silence as his expression unravels, relaxes from the rage. ]
... Do you know what you are asking?
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[ he understands how much selflessness can hurt others, because he's felt that for himself. maybe someone here will grieve for him, just as others have grieved for claude. but... even so. this is who he is. ]
...Shinobu will be very cross with me if I ask you. She all but demanded to do it herself. But... I do not think she should.
[ idk what rng will do, but hey ]
I am being selfish, I know.
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i read on the vote something about volunteers being allowed if culprit also accepts for ic choice but idk how it works ]
... You are robbing her of that peace—to have some control over how she will lose you.
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he smiles at that, though it's slanted and sad. ]
I know I am. But... I have seen what taking someone's life can do to her. And she will resent whoever kills me. I do not want her living her life with that regret, even if she resents me for it.
Though it would be an unkind thing to ask of you, too.
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[ It's also familiar. He closes his eyes, eyebrows knitting in frustration. ]
You are nothing like him and yet you are here, asking me to raise my blade. [ All of this is too familiar. ] You will return.
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[ he hasn't lived for anything besides revenge and resentment in a long time. being alive for other people has very recently entered the picture, but it's still a tenuous thing. ]
But part of me hopes that I will not come back. ...I still do not know how you have suffered so many lifetimes, Yoo Joonghyuk. [ he's already tired, and it shows on his face. ]
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… I won’t trust your words because I believe you are stronger than that.
[ Because Joonghyuk learned to believe in the stories people create… Even if he isn’t noble, if he can’t care for too many people, he believes in Dimitri who does. No matter how dark and dirty their hearts actually are, Joonghyuk believes in the good Dimitri has or the good Dimitri wants to protect and foster in others.
And that good should not die, not like this. He won’t accept it. ]