how many times have you died (rika furude)

[malewife]

Comments

[syndromed]

[ unlike with other people, rika doesn't tense at the shared memory. even receiving them has been strange and unpleasant to her. this one is unpleasant too - and confusing. much of the situation is beyond her understanding.

but she understands repeating for so long, so hopelessly, that you're ready to die. that you want to.

she's a little bit jealous of having someone who could rekindle hope. it had been a nice feeling. she's been through that cycle already, of losing hope and losing hope and then finally seeing a spark of it in your friends. seeing small miracles that remind you what you're fighting for. that it's worth struggling against fate.

and then that was ripped away, too.

rika pulls a palm-sized shard of something from her pocket, apparently just to idly turn it over in her own hands. ]

... Then what?

[malewife]

[ Sometimes your world is convoluted and mimics religious themes for the apocalypse, but at least she gets the point. It’s an endless cycle of tragedy… It’s a tomb where no hope can be found.

His arms are crossed, so he drums his fingers against his forearm. Niah comes over to Rika to peek at her glass. ]

… I regressed to search for a world like that.

[ He thinks that’s obvious enough. ]

Kim Dokja ended up being there, but I didn’t remember him. I lost my memory in the process of regressing, so for some time I believed it was the 3rd regression round.

[ Time is a strange thing. ]

[syndromed]

Losing your memories...

Isn't that like having to start over from the beginning?

[ not in terms of just regressing, obviously. when you go back, you carry information back with you. you cast the dice again, you do things differently. but if you go back practically empty-handed, how can you achieve what you want? something you hadn't managed in 1863 loops with your memories? ]

[malewife]

... Yes, it is.

[ Joonghyuk heaves a sigh. ]

How I regressed to the next round was a bit different than what I did before, so I was basically amnesiac.

[syndromed]

It's difficult to imagine accomplishing anything like that.

[malewife]

… Kim Dokja existed in the next regression. So it was kind of like having a cheat sheet despite my amnesia.

[ Which basically tells it all. If Joonghyuk learned of a world without sacrifices from Dokja himself, then maybe he is the key.

Or at least that’s what he thinks. ]

He’s still a fool.

[syndromed]

[ she lets that thought sit for a minute. it's comforting, even if it's someone else's. ]

... Having amnesia sounds like something of a relief.

[malewife]

[ He... thinks about it? ]

I suppose. It cut off over seven thousand years... But I had to go through an annoying phase of people telling me I don't know who I really am.

[syndromed]

That would be annoying...

But weren't they right?

[malewife]

[ WELL. THEY ARE NOT, BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA THAT THEY ARE RIGHT? ]

I'm still Yoo Joonghyuk.

[syndromed]

Memories are a very big part of identity.

[malewife]

Yes, but I am still myself, despite everything I've done or haven't done.

[ Hm. Since they're in similar situations. ]

Have you ever met alternate versions of yourself?

[syndromed]

I think I've changed too much for that to be true.

[ for her, anyway. difference of opinion.

she shakes her head. ]

No. But I've seen worlds where I was different. Before I came to them.

[malewife]

That is your perception.

[ So, yes, for her. Joonghyuk would still think that she's the same whichever it is, but it is... Complicated how one sees things. He wouldn't say that two Rikas would be the same, either.

But for the most part he believes you are still you. ]

Different. You mean similar to being amnesiac?

[syndromed]

Maybe something like that.

When I die, my consciousness travels to another world. Some of those worlds are very different. The pieces are in different places - which changes the way that "I" was before I took over.

But what makes me me is that I have all my memories from all of the worlds I've been to.

[malewife]

This is where we differ then. Each world I regress to are the same at their base... Maybe they would have branched on their own if I didn't.

[ The same exact premise until he arrives, then tragedy follows. ]

I've met another version of myself before.

[syndromed]

What was it like?

[malewife]

He is insufferable.

[ That moment when you're the type of character that doesn't get along with people similar to yourself. Not because you're filled with self-loathing, but because you are aware of what you are capable of, by proxy what they're capable of. They are a threat. ]

Petty and envious.

[syndromed]

[ listen. rika gets it? she's pretty sure she would hate herself if she met herself. ]

That makes sense.

[malewife]

[ He looks at her?? What are you trying to say? ]

[syndromed]

[ she just smiles back. don't worry about it!!! ]

[malewife]

You probably wouldn't be able to stand yourself, either.

[ mentally points at her. ]

[syndromed]

How rude.

[ she just sounds amused though? ]

[malewife]

But right.

[ The conversation is at least comfortable until I get my memshare. sits here. ]

[syndromed]

Perhaps.

[ they're vibing.

rika seems pleased, but bernkastel, as a cat flicks her tail in irritation. guess she's less forgiving.

rika is still holding a shard in her hand. ]